Fear

By Steven Mercado, 8 min read

In the tenth episode of The Bread Podcast, hosts Andy Chung and Ariel Silva discuss fears and insecurities when it comes to creating, the importance of navigating through said fears and insecurities, and the dire need for the firm foundation God provides in the midst of it all. Here’s what they had to say:

A HINDRANCE TO FOLLOWING THROUGH

ANDY: “I would say when I'm really excited about something, it eventually comes out, but I'm notoriously slow with finishing things, I've realized. I really want to sit on it and I really want to think about it, I'm just that kind of person. But something I've been trying to process more of is, am I going to use that as a crutch, like, “Oh, I'm just like that. I just like to take my time," or could there be a part of me where it's like, I want everything to be perfect, so that's why I don't release anything, or I don't release something earlier, or I don't follow through on something faster because I don't feel like this is great yet. There is a part of that that I think hinders the creative process for me sometimes. I'm not trying to use that as a crutch now, though. I'm not trying to be like, this is how I work. I think, as creatives, it's very important to process these things and to process how much insecurities and how much our own negative thoughts about ourselves can hold us back from doing the things that really convict us and make us come alive, you know?”

ARIEL: “I come from a very, very musical family. My dad and both my brothers play, seriously, every instrument and they write music, my dad even went to school for music, and they know all this music theory, and I, obviously I play the flute, but there has always been so many other areas in music that I've been so interested in and I never went for it because I felt like, I'm not going to be as good as them, so I don't want to do it. Because I don't want to be the one in my family that's not as good by doing it, so I'm just not going to do it. I feel like those fears of not wanting to see how good or how bad I will be if I go for something has stopped me from going for it in the long run. I've realized that through quarantine. There's so many areas where it's like, I would love to go for that, or I would love to do that, but I never felt like I'm good enough or even if I tried my hardest, I'd be good enough. Ultimately, I don't want to feel the feeling of, "Oh, I'm not as good as that person." Even if I were to make something or create something feeling like, "Oh, if people don't like it, yeah, it's going to reflect me and it's going to be how they view me," which, I think, ties into vulnerability a lot as well for me. I'm not always good at doing that.”

THE PARALYSIS OF PERFECTIONISM

ANDY: “When I was younger, I didn't really have that kind of thought. I'm not really making it for anyone, I'm just making it. It's just fun. Then, somewhere along the way, then I would be like, oh man, this would be so exciting to show my friends because I like what I have. I think there is a dichotomy there, because I think now, I go into the creation process sometimes with that idea of, I need to make sure this will be good for everyone, more than saying, "Let's just make it." Somewhere along the way, if you have the thought of, "Hey, let's show people," that's great too, but I think this idea of going into the creation process always thinking about how this can be the bombest video for someone to watch can paralyze us from doing something as creatives. For me, I've been thinking about that a lot. If I want to be a creator and I want to be thriving, I have to learn to put my ego down of, "Am I good enough?" and ground myself in, of course, God's truth of, you don't need to strive and you don't need to have to be the best person, but if you really enjoy this, why is it that you're getting so taken by these negative thoughts? Why are you getting so bogged down by all these foreboding things that might happen if your art isn't received the way you want it to be received? I think about always humbling myself. "You're not anything, Andy. You're not the best video anything." But what you have to ask yourself is, "Do you enjoy doing this?" And I do. Why am I affecting that enjoyment process with those negative thoughts?”

TRADING WORRIES FOR SANCTIFICATION

ARIEL: “I've realized that our purpose in life is to know God and to, obviously, be intimate with him, but also to look more like him every day. God doesn't have fear. So then, I think about the things that I love and how I've let fear hold me back from doing the things that I love because I've wondered, how does this tie into how God wants to use me? Maybe this isn't what God's plan is for my life, so I just shouldn't do it. I don't plan to be a professional musician, so maybe I shouldn't try to pick up these other instruments. I've let that whole nature and that mindset stop me from doing so much. I feel like I was missing the point. The point was to become more like Christ, and to become more like Christ, it's just not being so bound to people's approval, but even to feeling like I have to work so hard for God's approval, because I don't, because he already approves of me. I just realized that in order to look more like Christ, I have to stop worrying so much about everything. I'm a worrywart, honestly. Everything I do, I'm like, am I doing it correctly? Am I doing it right? I feel like God is just making me look more like him by being like, ‘Just relax. Just enjoy the way I've made you, the way I've created you, the way I've made you to like and enjoy.’”

SUCCESS REDEFINED

ANDY: “To be a successful human being in the eyes of the Lord is to be faithful and obedient to God. I think for us, we don't keep it there. Our heart just wants to linger away from that truth of how that's all you need to do. Just start there, be faithful to God, with where God has placed you, and the people that God has put around you and the gifts that he has given you, be faithful and obedient to that. But then, we get ahead of ourselves. When we get ahead of ourselves, we feel so out of control. We're not grounded at all; we're everywhere. I think that's where the fears really start to mess with your mind because now, you're not grounded in God's truth, not you're like these different ideas, success, social media, everyone's posting the best part of who they are, and they're not showing you how much they struggle, and this gets to you, and now, you're not grounded. You can't enjoy art, and not even art, but you can't enjoy life because your heart is just everywhere. I think we have to come back as believers of God to the truth that a successful human being in the eyes of the Lord is just to be obedient and faithful to the Lord. When you ground yourself in that, that's like a rock. That's a fortified place.”

DAILY OBEDIENCE IN THE LORD: CHASING GOD, NOT GOALS

ARIEL: “God even shaped and is refining the way that I define my goals. The story that comes to my mind is of Isaac and Abraham. Obviously, Isaac is Abraham's son and he loves him more than anything, that's his son. So when you have a child, I'm sure you have all these plans for this child's life, you have plans to do things with your child, and so when God asked Abraham to offer up Isaac, Abraham loved his son more than anything, but he was still able to surrender him to God out of obedience. And, for those of you who don't know how it goes, God was just testing him, Abraham didn't really kill Isaac. I started to view goals that way. These are things that I want to do with my life, and I love them, and I'm passionate about them, but always having everything with an open hand, and always surrendered to God, and never being so firm, like, "This is what I'm going to do, and no one is going to stop me." I should only have that attitude if it's something that God is telling me to do, and that's where daily obedience is important because if we set these goals and we don't tune them into God every single day, and like, "Okay, what do you want me to do today?", we're going to chase goals rather than chasing God. That's when we get lost along the way because we weren't following God, we were following our own plans.”

INQUIRING OF GOD: A VITAL APPROACH

ANDY: “If we really do care about obeying God and we do care about being faithful to being a son and a daughter to him, I think we would be inquiring of God all the time. Asking, God, i really want to do this and I want to know if this is something that you're okay with, and accept, or not even accept, but that you've called me to do. We don't really do that enough. We kind of put matters in our own hands and that's where we get tripped up. Like you said, goals, you start doing all these things, you become a busybody, and you start realizing, where has God been in all of this? Sometimes for me, I fall back on the crutch of, "But God knows my heart." When I was editing my video, when was the last time I prayed, "God, bless this video." There's none of God and you're like, God knows my heart. There's nothing there. I think that's something that we have to ask ourselves. Are we inquiring of the Lord? Are we having dialogue with God? Not just dialogue with our fears by ourselves, like, how can I, as a human being, find practical ways to overcome this fear, but how can I surrender this fear to God, and how can God speak into this moment right now? I've been thinking a lot about that as well. This is, by no means, saying that God will overcome your fears if you give it up to him. Yes, God does, but God also uses certain experiences for us to learn and find ways to navigate that as well in life. My point is we have to always be inquiring of God. Always.”

CATCHING THOUGHTS INTO CAPTIVITY

ARIEL: “We were having a board meeting and Eddie was talking to us all about our roles. For a second, I got very insecure and I could feel myself pulling back and withdrawing because I felt like I'm not important. I felt like, I don't feel like what I'm doing on board is necessarily important or enough as much as the other board members. And I started to get a little bit sad. But then, God spoke to me, and was like, "I didn't make you Andy, I didn't make you Nicole, I made you Ariel, and your job on board is to do what I made you to do, not what I gifted them to do." So in that moment, I had to catch every thought into captivity. Your mind, it just wants to roam. If you don't take control and exercise that muscle of taking all those thoughts into captivity, your mind could just go crazy, and go on a downward spiral of, "Oh my gosh, I'm a loser, I'm nothing, I'm horrible, why am I here?" and that's how it can go sometimes for me. When we have these thoughts, we're supposed to take them right there and then so they can't grow and they can't take root and turn into something bigger and more. With creating or whatever fears you might have, in my life, I've realized it's never going to stop happening. I'm never going to stop being afraid, but I'm just going to get stronger and better at facing it and speaking the scriptures over myself and to myself to remind myself of the truth, because that's what fear is -- it's a lie. We have to overcome those fears by speaking the truth. Maybe that's a tool that could help somebody, that's what I do.”

RESPONDING IN THE MIDST OF FEARS

ANDY: I need two things. The two words that I always think about, that I always find myself coming back to, to be courageous, and number two, to know when to rest. I feel like different situations call for a different word. When I'm feeling really scared or anxious, I don't think I have the ability to pull this off, or I don't think I can do this, a verse that comes to mind is 2 Timothy 1, where it says, "For God did not give us the spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." And I love that, because it's not like God is just saying, "Just have courage," when you're feeling weak, but it's, "Have courage, but do it in my way -- having love, having self-discipline." That's something that I try to think about a lot when I feel like I'm not good enough. When I feel like I have so much fear, God, I can't do this right now. So there's the courage aspect. In terms of rest, when I feel overworked or I feel anxious in a different way, I don't know if you know this poet, but Morgan Harper Nichols, MHN, she has a lot of poems and whenever I read them, I feel very at rest. This is the rest aspect: one of her poems says, "When your list is growing longer and longer with all of the things that you long to do, and all of the places you long to travel to, slow down, be still, and trust, for perhaps, even here, there is room to be unrushed."

ARIEL: “I have found what works for me is to just stop thinking and just doing it. I feel like that comes with immediate obedience, and if God's telling me to just do it, then to not go into that place of thinking about the possible outcomes or how I'm going to do it or what I'm going to do, but just doing it. I don't want to sound like Eddie, *laughs* but yeah, that happened last week. I was just watching some guitar covers and I was just wishing that I could do that, and I was like, you know what? I'm just going to walk into my dad's room, pick up his guitar, and I'm just going to start learning some chords. I couldn't put it down. My fingers were burning for like 4 days straight, but I couldn't put it down, and now I play it about 4 times a day out of just loving to do it. That encouraged me and I was like, I'm going to learn the bass, too, so I'm just going to pick it up. For me, I realized, I'm such a thinker, I think about everything, I over-analyze sometimes, so for me, I realized my key to success is to just stop thinking so much, and to just do it before I talk myself out of it because I can easily talk myself out of it.”

Like Andy and Ariel mentioned, fears and insecurities are very real, and while they seem like huge obstacles, acknowledging them, bringing them to God, and keeping him in the center are all key factors to working through them. We hope you enjoyed this installment of The Bread Podcast.

We hope you enjoyed this installment of The Bread Podcast. You can hear the full conversation by looking up “The Bread Podcast” on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Be sure to check out our previous episodes as well!